Some children are quiet and slow-to-warm-up. They may need more time to adjust to strange situations. If your child is shy, putting pressure on her would only cause more anxiety. Try to understand and accept her characteristics and guide her step-by-step to join in other children's activity. You may:

• Stay with her while watching other children play.
• Show her how to join in other children's play by doing it
• Invite her to join in if you think she is ready
• Do not blame or shame her if she refuses to do so. This will only discourage her and even keep her further away from people. Show your acceptance by saying, 'I know you prefer to watch for a little longer. When you want to play with them, just let me know.'
• If your child starts to join in, you can gradually withdraw when she becomes more involved in the activity. Stay aside to keep an eye on how she is engaging and give her encouragement from time to time.

My child often grabs toys from her friends. I really hesitate to let her go to play with friends.

Preschoolers are still self-centred and weak in self control. They may not be able to perceive other's feelings and thoughts or be independent in problem solving. You should create more opportunities for the child to learn how to mix with her peers. While they are playing, you may stand aside to observe their interactions before deciding to step in:

• If your child has grabbed a toy from another child, it is the time for you to step in immediately. Teach your child the appropriate social skill, 'That is Sue's toy and you shouldn't grab. If you do want to play with it, what should you do?' Lead her to think of different solutions e.g. 'Yes, you could ask nicely.' 'Do you want to exchange your toy for it?' or 'Waiting for your turn is a good idea.'
• If your child is upset by having failed to grab the toy, show her that you understand her feelings, 'You are upset because Sue did not let you play with that toy, right? But that's her toy. She will be upset too if you grab it.' Guide her to think of other solutions. If the other child agrees to give her the toy, remind your child to say 'thank you'. If not, try to divert her attention to other toys or games.
• Do not jump to conclusion and blame any parties. This will not help children learn how to share or solve problems.

How about if both kids will not give way to each other and make a scene? I can't just stay out of it.

If they can't solve the problem their way, you may have to help. Separate them and let them cool down. Be fair and objective in guiding them to tell the cause of the conflict. Don't jump to conclusion. Show them that you understand how they feel, 'I know both of you want this toy so much that you must get hold of it.' Guide them to think of other alternatives that won't do harm to others: 'If both of you don't give in, nobody wins. Let's try to see if there are other alternatives.' Once they reach an agreement, praise them for being effortful in reaching a solution. Most of all, setting rules with your child on playing with peers beforehand helps. You may set up 2 or 3 rules such as 'take turns' or 'be friendly'. State clearly that the consequence of breaking the rules is to 'have the toy taken away' or 'go to quiet time for a minute'.

My child is aggressive towards his friends. Must I use punishment to change such bad behaviour?

Toddlers may use hitting, kicking or pushing as a means to get what they want when they do not know other ways to solve problems. They may also become aggressive out of frustration or anger. Punishment may stop your child from misbehaving immediately. However, the effect is short-lived. To stop the aggressive behaviour developing into a habit and helping him learn to solve problems in an acceptable way, your guidance is important. As mentioned above, you may:

• Talk with your child and set rules together with her about playing with friends. State the consequence of breaking the rules clearly.
• Praise your child if she plays with others in a friendly way.
• Stop her immediately if she hits others during play, 'Stop hurting Megan! You have to take turn if you want to play with it.'
• Take her to quiet time if she does not stop fighting. Tell her to stay at the edge of the activity and stay quiet for one minute. Leave her there and do not give her any attention including talking to her.
• Wait till she has stayed quiet for one minute. Then ask her to join in to play again and remind her to follow the rules.
• You may suggest she says sorry and makes peace with her friend. Find chances to praise her for being friendly.
• Avoid preaching and never use punitive methods when handling conflicts between children. Only by using the above method firmly and consistently would your child learn the consequence of being aggressive.