Positive Parenting III – Addressing Challenging Behaviour in Preschool Years

(Published 02/2026)

Every child misbehaves at times when they grow up. How can parents follow the principles of positive parenting, 'DEAR', to provide children with appropriate guidance and help them learn to regulate their behaviours and emotions?

As mentioned in 'Positive Parenting II – Practising in the Preschool Years', preschoolers are full of curiosity and eager to play and explore, yet they lack sufficient awareness of danger. Meanwhile, their abilities to cope with emotions, solve problems and exercise self-control are still developing. They tend to become less cooperative, especially when feeling tired or bored. Given that children may unintentionally engage in behaviours that adults perceive as inappropriate, the most effective strategy for parents is early prevention.

Early prevention

To reduce your child's inappropriate behaviours, you can:

  • Manage the environment, including setting up home safety measures. For example, lock window grilles, and keep items such as sweets and medicines out of your child's reach
  • Organise daily routines to help them anticipate scheduled activities and develop habits. For example, tidy up toys, take bath, brush teeth and go to bed at a fixed time each evening, followed by a bedtime story. Remind them in advance when the time approaches
  • Lay down the ground rules with your child so that they understand your expectations. For details on appropriate guidance, refer to 'Positive Parenting II – Practising in the Preschool Years'
  • Prepare engaging activities that interest them, such as building blocks, drawing pictures and pretend play, so that they can engage in them when free, reducing the chance of them getting upset or causing trouble due to boredom
  • Inform your child in advance of any special activities or changes and explain the rules they are required to follow. Discuss any potential challenges. For example, they will have to share toys with visiting children, should they put their favourite toys away beforehand; or they have to greet unfamiliar people at family gatherings, how to cope with shyness.

Handling challenging behaviour

When your child behaves inappropriately, handle it with respect and acceptance. First, try to understand the underlying reasons or difficulties from your child's perspective. For example, they may be unwilling to stop as they are still enjoying the play, or the instructions are too many or too demanding for them. You can help them feel understood by simply describing what they are doing and feeling; they may then be more willing to cooperate. Next, repeat the instruction. You could also make the instructions clearer or easier to follow. For example, if your child is playing excitedly in the park, you could say, 'You're having so much fun! Just one more go on the slide, then we have to go'. You could guide them to follow instructions in a more playful way, such as 'We're leaving. Let's race to that tree ahead and see who can get there first!'.

When responding to misbehaviour, stay calm and address the behaviour rather than the child. For example, 'Line up and don't jump the queue' rather than 'That's so rude of you!' For more information, refer to 'Positive parenting (II) – Practices in preschool stage'.

Even when the above methods are not working, you can still positively guide your child to cooperate. Provide logical consequences to help them understand that they need to bear responsibility for their actions, and learn self-control while feeling respected and accepted.

Logical consequences

Logical consequences are outcomes imposed by adults in response to a child's misbehaviour. For example,

  • If a child grabs a toy impatiently, parents can take it away and wait for two minutes before letting them play with it again.
  • If a child engages in play and refuses to join in at mealtimes, parents can take away the toy they are playing with and let them play with it during playtime after the meal.
  • If a child jumps the queue and pushes other children in the park, take them aside and pause playtime for several minutes until they have calmed down. Then let them play again after restating the rules.
  • Even for unintentional mistakes, guide the child to bear the consequences. For example, if they knock over a cup of water, ask them to clean up the spill.

The aim of applying logical consequences is to help children learn self-control and develop a sense of responsibility, rather than to punish them. Note the following when you use them:

  • Be respectful – give consequences firmly and calmly. Do not blame, shame, scold or publicly criticise the child.
  • Fair and reasonable – select consequences based on your child's level of understanding and tolerance, the current context their condition, and are related to and proportionate to the behaviour. Consequences for preschoolers should be brief, such as lasting for a few minutes instead of a whole day. Adjust the consequence based on the frequency and the severity of the misbehaviour. For example, a five-minute suspension from play may be given for the first instance of grabbing a toy, and a ten-minute suspension for the second .

    Harsh consequences are perceived as punishment, which hinders your child's learning and goes against the principles of positive parenting.

  • Effective implementation – logical consequences should be applied consistently, coherently and promptly. Providing a brief and clear explanation beforehand helps children to understand and comply.
  • Express your care – calmly acknowledge your child's feelings when implementing consequences. Thank them afterwards for their cooperation. Praise them immediately for good behaviour. These help to improve their behaviour .

    • Handling 'high risk' situations

    If your child often misbehaves in certain situations, such as running around excitedly in supermarkets, you can prepare in advance by taking the following measures to reduce the likelihood of having these 'high-risk' incidents:

    Advance preparation

    • Discuss the rules with your child - Agree on them well in advance. Set out the rewards for following the rules and the consequences for breaking them. For example, 'Walk slowly with me in the supermarket. If you can do that, you can play in the park for 10 more minutes. If not, there won't be extra time in the park. If you continue fussing around, we have to leave early'
    • Bring what you need - Prepare toys or activities to keep them engaged, or rewards such as stickers or stamps as immediate rewards
    • Choose the time and place - Consider your child's routine to select a suitable time to visit "high-risk" places. Keep visits short at first and gradually extend the time as progress is made. Start from settings where they are more likely to comply, such as a small supermarket

    Responding in the moment

    • Try to enjoy time with your child, or engage them in appropriate activities. For example, get them to assist with pushing the trolley, locating the grocery items, or counting supermarket aisles; or when dining out, engage them in playing with toys or colouring if they become bored
    • Praise them frequently when they behave well and you could also offer immediate rewards
    • If they become impatient or misbehave, follow the advice above

    Review

    • Review the situation with your child afterwards. Start by praising them for what they did well. Then discuss how they could improve next time and encourage them to do so

    Your child may become emotional when you are dealing with their misbehaviour. You can view this as an opportunity for connection and guidance by understanding and accepting their needs, helping them to express their feelings, and then addressing their behaviour or helping them solve the problem.

    You may refer to the videos '5 Steps of "Emotion Coaching" for Preschoolers' and leaflet 'Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Preschooler: Tips on "Emotion Coaching"'

    Your Wellbeing Counts

    It is challenging to stay calm in the face of your child's emotions or behaviour. Be aware of your own emotions and calm yourself down when needed. You could try having a break, taking a few deep breaths or drinking some water. Then, refocus on your child's needs or difficulties. If possible, ask someone else to look after your child temporarily.

    If your child's behaviour triggers a strong reaction from you, such as shouting at them for being noisy in a shop, consider whether you are influenced by certain thoughts or past experiences. For instance, 'people will say I'm a bad parent', 'one must not disturb others in public', or being scolded by others for making noise in public as a child, etc.. Once you recognise the circumstances in which you are likely to lose control, you can prepare in advance to avoid these 'high-risk' situations. You can try alternative approach, such as agreeing with your partner or other caregivers beforehand that if your child becomes upset, they will take the child out and soothe them while you pack up and check out quickly.

    In sum, parents who apply 'DEAR' to nurture, care for and appreciate their children, understand their temperament and preferences, and build a good and trusting parent-child relationship will find it easier to manage inappropriate behaviours. Positively guiding children to cooperate not only reduces parent-child conflicts, but also helps to develop their character in the long run.

    For parents or caregivers who still have difficulties caring for their children, or who would like to learn more about the principles and methods of positive parenting, you are welcome to join the Positive Parenting Programme (conducted in Cantonese only). For more information, please visit the following website or contact our medical staff at the Maternal and Child Health Centres (MCHCs).