Positive Parenting II – Practising in the Preschool Years

(Published 02/2026)

By the time your child starts kindergarten, they will be more independent and able to express their needs, feelings and thoughts. They will also begin to learn how to get along with others, exercise self-control, and follow rules. By continuing to nurture and guide your child following the principles of positive parenting, you will gradually help them develop good character and abilities. Meanwhile, this enhances your parent-child relationship. Positive parenting involves four important elements represented by the acronym 'DEAR':

  • D for Delight in Togetherness
  • E for Encouragement and Praise
  • A for Appropriate and Assertive Guidance
  • R for Respect and Acceptance

Please refer to 'Positive Parenting I - Starting Early' to learn more about these elements. As your child enters the preschool stage, how can you continue to use 'DEAR' to help them develop and build their confidence?

Understanding Your Child

Have you noticed that your child's thoughts and emotional expressions are becoming richer? Or do you sometimes find them bargaining with you or even becoming uncooperative? As their language, cognitive and motor skills develop, you will need to find different ways to guide and encourage them. They also require your patient guidance to learn to take turns, share, follow simple instructions and develop self-care skills. This will help them to cultivate social-emotional competence, self-regulation and self-care abilities.

Delight in Togetherness

All children need to feel loved, regardless of their age. Expressing your love and care for your child often, and strengthening the parent-child bond while spending time together, are fundamentals of positive parenting.

Your child needs quality time with you. During this time, talk to them about experiences and feelings from the day, or topics that interest them (such as their favourite cartoon characters). This will help you to know them better and let them feel that you care about them. They may ask question after question, and you can foster their trust in you by listening, understanding, and responding thoughtfully. You can also join them in their games, or give them small tasks to do while you are busy with housework or grocery shopping. When you are both fully engaged and enjoying each other's company, this is quality parent-child time even just for a short while!

Encouragement and Praise

Praising your child proactively for their appropriate behaviour throughout the day can encourage them to behave well. State the behaviour you appreciate clearly and concisely. For instance, 'Well done for sharing your toys with friends!' or 'Thank you for putting the book back after reading it'. Simply saying 'Great job' or 'Good boy' leaves your child uncertain about what they are being praised for. Praise with sincere non-verbal gestures, including facial expressions and tone of voice, will help them to feel your heartfelt appreciation.

When your child is faced with new experiences or challenges, you can praise their behaviour or character strengths throughout the process. For example, 'You waited in the queue for a long time, you're so patient!' or 'You told the cashier what to buy and paid. You're so brave!'. Focusing on these qualities rather than the outcome will better support their self-esteem and self-confidence.

You can also use rewards to encourage good behaviour. Rewarding your child with activities or privileges they enjoy can provide more opportunities for shared family time, while preventing them from over-focusing on material rewards. Examples include playing board games together, going to the park, letting them choose where to eat out or deciding on a weekend family activity. Avoid using screen activities as rewards, as this may cause other behavioural and emotional issues. When giving rewards, praise your child to help them understand the meaning of the reward. This enhances their self-worth and motivates them to behave well without needing external rewards in the future.

Appropriate and Assertive Guidance

To provide appropriate and assertive guidance, parents can set some basic rules and give instructions according to the child's abilities. As for preschool children, you can ask them to put their shoes away when come home, wash their hands before eating, listen quietly when others are talking, etc. Using a calm and respectful tone and attitude when guiding your child helps them to understand what is being asked of them.

When discussing the rules or giving instructions to your child, consider the following:

  • First, get their attention — Approach them and or get down to their eye level, then call their name. Give instructions when you are certain that you have got their attention
  • Give positive, clear and concise instructions according to their level of understanding, e.g. 'Please put the toys back in the box' or 'Brush your teeth before bed'
  • Give them some time to respond to your instructions (e.g. wait for a few seconds). Do not rush to give a series of instructions
  • Remember not to ask, 'Is that alright?' or they may think they can refuse
  • If appropriate, offer limited and feasible choices, e.g. 'We're going out, which top do you prefer, red or white?'
  • There should not be too many rules; a few are enough. New rules can be added after the existing ones have been followed for some time
  • Your child may not remember all the rules or instructions. Offer timely reminders and avoid blaming them too easily

Praise your child promptly when they follow instructions or rules. Your consistent encouragement helps them learn to follow rules, cooperate with others and be self-disciplined.

When a child fails to follow instructions or displays undesirable behaviour, parents are encouraged to provide firm and appropriate guidance. Refer to 'Positive Parenting III: Addressing Challenging Behaviour in Preschool Years' on how to respond.

Respect and Acceptance

Your child will feel secure and trust you if they know you will accept them, regardless of their behaviour. Accepting your child's unique character and preferences enhances both the parent-child relationship and their development. For example, letting your active child run and jump in the park or outdoors often, or reading their favourite books with them repeatedly. However, some parents arrange a lot of activities or classes for their child in the hope of boosting their abilities or performance while overlooking their need for rest and freedom to explore and play, which may make them more emotional. Parents can support their child's physical and mental health and development by sensitively observing and understanding their child's capabilities, avoiding comparisons with other children, and tailoring to their interests.

Your child also needs your respect and acceptance of their emotions. Although preschoolers can usually express their feelings and needs in simple words, their abilities to cope with emotions and challenges are still developing. When your child becomes emotional, avoid interpreting this as deliberate defiance or unreasonable tantrums. In fact, they need you to understand and accept their feelings, accompany them, and express empathy. Just like adults, children need space to calm down when they are overwhelmed by emotion. This should not be seen as approving their inappropriate behaviours. For advice on responding to your child's emotions, please refer to the video '5 Steps of "Emotion Coaching" for Preschoolers' and 'Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Preschooler: Tips on "Emotion Coaching"'.

Your Wellbeing Counts

As much as children need acceptance, parents need self-acceptance. Avoid seeking perfection in everything, or neglecting your own physical and mental needs, as these are key to enabling you to practise positive parenting.

A strong parent-child relationship is the foundation of positive parenting. By applying 'DEAR' in daily life, you can nurture your child's sense of security and self-confidence, as well as build up their problem-solving skills. However, children inevitably misbehave at times. You can refer to 'Positive Parenting III: Addressing Challenging Behaviour in Preschool Years' to respond positively. You may also enrol in the Positive Parenting Programme (conducted in Cantonese only) or contact the professional staff at the MCHCs for details.

Reward Scheme

How to support your child in developing good behaviours or habits in daily life? You can use a reward scheme based on the principles of 'DEAR', as follows:

  1. Set a goal: Select a target behaviour that you would like your child to display more often, and set a clear, specific, positive and achievable goal. E.g., instruct a three-year-old to wash their hands before meals. Start with an easy goal, such as prompting and helping them to complete the task, once they can do this consistently, gradually make it harder, such as by providing only verbal prompts and less assistance to help them complete the task independently.
  2. Devise the details of the scheme
    • Rewards: For example, award one stamp each time the child exhibits the target behaviour. A sticker is awarded for three stamps obtained in three days. Rewards that match with your child's interests can motive them to comply
    • Reward chart: Keep it straightforward, easy to understand, engaging and appealing. Place it in a prominent location
    • Preparing materials: Ensure all the required items are ready in advance
    • Prior communication with your child: Clearly explain the target behaviour and reward arrangements. Involve them in choosing the rewards and preparing the reward chart
  3. Implement the scheme:
    • Help your child achieve the target behaviour in fun ways, such as singing songs when washing hands or providing them with a handwash they enjoy
    • Praise them every time they receive a reward
    • Ensure all caregivers carry out the scheme consistently
    • Under no circumstances should their reward be taken away
  4. Review the scheme: review the implementation of the scheme and consider any factors related to your child and other issues. For example, your child may forget to wash their hands as they are too hungry or busy playing, or other caregivers did not insist them to do so. Modify the factors or revise the scheme to make it easier for them to achieve the goal.
  5. Revise the goal and rewards: When your child consistently achieves the target behaviour, make it harder to help them develop a good habit. You may also adjust how often stamps and stickers are awarded, aiming to keep them interested. Initially, offer rewards more frequently, then less frequently when the target behaviour is shown consistently. For example, switch to giving a sticker for five stamps earned. Eventually, move to offering rewards irregularly to prevent them from relying on material rewards in the long term.