Positive Parenting I – Starting Early
As a parent, have you ever considered how to fulfil your ‘parenting’ role well? ‘Parenting’ refers to the roles and responsibilities you take on in raising your child, including caring for and meeting their needs, as well as facilitating and fostering their physical and mental health, growth, and holistic development. Parenting is never easy. Which parenting principles could you uphold to help your child grow up healthily or happily?
Positive parenting focuses on raising children with love and respect, building a good parent-child relationship, guiding and encouraging them in constructive and non-hurtful ways according to their individual characteristics, and to promote good character and abilities. How can positive parenting be applied at different stages of your child's development? Parents may find it helpful to take note of the acronym ‘DEAR’ which stands for the following four important elements.
- D for Delight in Togetherness
- E for Encouragement and Praise
- A for Appropriate and Assertive Guidance
- R for Respect and Acceptance
Understanding your child
Applying ‘DEAR’ starts with getting to know your child. From around the age of one, obvious changes in language, mobility and cognitive development are noted as your toddler grows. They also become more independent and eager for autonomy. They are keen to explore, and will make repeated attempts to satisfy their intense curiosity. Meanwhile, their abilities to express and regulate emotions are limited, so they are more likely to have tantrums lose their temper when upset. These behaviours may continue until they start kindergarten. Recognising that your child is not intentionally being difficult, and accepting their developmental characteristics, personality and preferences enables you to guide them to becoming a cooperative and pleasant child.
Delight in Togetherness
Positive parenting is founded upon a close and trusting relationship between you and your child, built through daily interaction and delightful moments together. Short but frequent interactions, such as talking, singing or playing with them in everyday situations, including changing diapers, bathing, having meals or going out together, can enhance the parent-child bonding. Your child is learning how to express their needs and preferences. If you listen to them and respond positively, they will feel loved and encouraged to continue expressing themselves. Even they can play alone for a while, they still need your attention from time to time. They may vocalise or come to you, and your response such as a smile, a gentle touch on their head, or a verbal response can help them feel that you are there with them.
Wherever possible, incorporate daily parent-child activities into your routine, such as playing with your child after dinner or reading a book together every night. No matter how much time you spend together, if you focus on giving them your full attention and let them take the lead, you will gain a better understanding of their interests and abilities while enjoying these precious times together. To learn more, you may watch the video ‘Our Time Counts – Raising Your Child with Positive Parenting’ and refer to the leaflet ‘Let Baby Tell You - Tips for parent-child communication’ for effective communication with your child.
Encouragement and Praise
Your toddler needs praise and encouragement to build their confidence for exploration and learning. Children who are frequently praised often develop a more positive self-image, become more confident and independent, and are more appreciative of others as they grow up. You can encourage your child to cooperate and learn new skills by giving them clear and concrete praise. Refer to the video ‘Your Encouragement Counts – Raising Your Child with Positive Parenting’ to learn more.
Observe your toddler closely in daily life. When they behave well, for example, trying to feed themselves, putting on their shoes independently, waiting quietly, greeting others appropriately, etc., praise them immediately to encourage these good behaviours. Praise them positively, directly and concisely to help them understand, such as ‘You sat and ate by yourself – well done!’, or ‘You helped tidy up your toys – great job!’ Avoid blame or criticism, for instance, ‘…very good! If only you could tidy up every time!’. This confuses them whether you are praising or blaming them. Instead of focusing solely on outcomes, praise their efforts when they try to motivate them to learn. As you praise them, use the following body language to help them feel your appreciation:
- Smile at them
- Stroke them gently
- Hug them
- Kiss them
- Clap for them
- Give them a thumbs-up
- Get down to their level and talking to them face-to-face helps bring you both closer together
Appropriate and Assertive Guidance
Clear and consistent rules keep your child safe and help them to distinguish between appropriate and inappropriate behaviours, so they learn to follow rules, cooperate and exercise self-discipline. Meanwhile, you can encourage them to develop autonomy and problem-solving skills according to their abilities. For instance, you could let them explore and play freely in a safe space or give them two or three pieces of clothing or snacks to choose from. Watch the video ‘Your Guidance Counts – Raising Your Child with Positive Parenting’ to learn more.
As your child's self-control is still developing, appropriate guidance needs to be in line with their abilities and characteristics. Avoid imposing too many rules or restrictions. You could set two or three simple rules, such as washing their hands before eating, and staying seated until the meal is finished. You could also designate forbidden areas (e.g., the kitchen) for your child. All caregivers should be consistent in guiding the child to follow these rules. However, toddlers often find it hard to cooperate when tired, hungry or bored. Prepare for these situations in advance by scheduling activities that do not disrupt their routine, preparing snacks before going out and planning fun activities to engage them when you are occupied.
Your toddler can understand simple commands such as ‘sit down’, ‘put the toys back’, ‘hold my hand’, etc. When giving instructions, first call them by name, gently tug or pat them, or get down to their eye level before giving a clear instruction face-to-face. You can also use gestures, such as ‘Bring me a book! (while pointing to the bookshelf)’. Avoid using negative phrases and questions in your instructions, such as ‘Don't run, OK?’. Instead, say firmly, ‘Walk slowly’.
When your child is uncooperative or misbehaving, consider the reasons or difficulties they may be having and try to express their needs and feelings. Then repeat the instruction or adjust the request as appropriate. If your child complies, praise them. If they fail to comply, guide them flexibly to follow your instructions. For example, you could lift them into a seat or take them away from the scene and then draw their attention to something fun and engaging. As an example, if your child refuses to get out of the tub after bath, you could say, ‘Bath time is so much fun! You don't want to get out, you want to keep playing! (Pause for a moment.) Once you’re out of the bath, we’ll read a story!’
If your child’s behaviour is dangerous, stop them immediately by saying ‘Stop!’ or ‘No!’ in a firm voice and explain the rules. Then redirect their attention to a fun and safe activity. For example, ‘Sockets are dangerous. let’s play toys together.’, or ‘It’s too high, you’ll fall. Come and play ball here.’
There will be times when your child does not follow instructions and becomes upset, or even screams or cries on the floor. If they might hurt themselves or disturb others, pick them up and take them away from the scene. Try to accept and respond positively to their feelings, then guide them to cooperate. Once they have calmed down, praise them for being calm and cooperative, and direct them to continue with appropriate activities.
Respect and Acceptance
Due to their limited ability to regulate their emotions, tolerate frustration and express their needs verbally, toddlers often act out when frustrated. Adults may perceive this as ‘tantrums’. In fact, children at this stage need your patient guidance to help them learn to regulate their emotions. When your child is experiencing strong emotions, it can be helpful to stay calm and close by, offer gentle strokes or a hug, and, in simple terms, recognise and articulate their feelings and needs. For example, ‘You want to play, but you can’t play now. That makes you upset’. When they have calmed down, gently guide them to follow instructions. You may watch the video ‘Your Acceptance Counts – Raising Your Child with Positive Parenting’ and ‘Tips on Emotion Coaching for Babies and Toddlers’ to learn more about how to respect and accept your child and respond to your child's emotions in a positive way.
Your Wellbeing Counts
Caring for your child is far from easy. To practise the aforementioned principles of positive parenting summarized in ‘DEAR’, you must take good care of yourself to manage your child's increasingly rich and complex emotions and behaviours. You may watch ‘Your Wellbeing Counts – Raising Your Child with Positive Parenting’ to explore how you can further enhance your own well-being.
Every child has their own temperament, so it may take longer to help your child understand and comply with the boundaries you set. As long as you uphold the principles of positive parenting and guide your child with encouragement, appreciation, patience and assertiveness, you will help them to build their self-confidence, and gradually learn to be self-disciplined and cooperate with others as they grow.